How to be cool online

Entry Filed under: Mumblings, Rants

April 23rd, 2008

How to be cool online – a short guide

1.       Make sure everybody knows you use Firefox, Safari, Opera or even Omniweb instead of IE. IE is the devil – repeat – “IE is the devil”. Get bonus points for claiming you use Lynx and by posting “IE sucks” banners on your blog/website.

2.       Advocate Linux. No matter if your Linux experience is limited to booting an Ubuntu DVD and then hitting the reset button because you panicked when you saw the command line interface - Linux rules, or better yet – “Linux r00Lz0r!!!11 one”. Make sure everybody knows that Linux is stable, easy to use and perfect in every way by engaging in YouTube comment flame wars or any other flame wars such as the ones on Digg, online communities, or blogs.

3.       Hate Microsoft. As much as IE is the devil, Windows and just about any other Microsoft product comes with a 666 sticker on it. “Closed source sucks”, “proprietary software deserves to die”, “enjoy your blue screens lolz”, “windows is teh suxx0r” and just about any other blurb you post online about the eternal corporate damnation that Microsoft has thrown upon us is a great contribution. Bonus points: if you do all of the above and still use Windows.

4.       “Testing, testing, 123”? It’s the new thing, it’s “hip”! It’s the beta button! Hey, if Google can use it, why can’t you, right? Stick a “BETA” sticker on your website/blog and enjoy the visitors thinking that you are a developer that, for some reason, has a beta sticker on his/hers website for years while using online blogging services such as Blogger that you can’t even customize properly. Want bonus points? Hell yeah! Place a “web 2.0” banner next to the beta one!

5.       Use massive signatures. Make sure everybody sees your forum signature, along with about 300 userbars (bonus points for: “Toilet user”) and the lyrics for your favorite song. If you really want to go extreme, use a glitter generated sig. Remember – if it’s not the same size as the screen height of a 20” monitor, it’s no good!

6.       Post comments on YouTube for every video you view with the following contents “This is so scary don’t read this your mother will die if you don’t post this comment on 20 youtube videos oh my god omfg…J*(@!”. Get unlimited points for actually believing in that.

7.       Use a Mac like a pro – be smug about it. You DID spend a grand of two of $ for it, so why not show it around like it’s a Rolex? Be sure to let everybody know you use the great apple, and that, obviously, any other product that does not come from Apple is blasphemy.

8.       Intel vs AMD? Advocate the one you use, not the one that has better benchmark scores. (and let’s face it… both are pretty equal in the end, but who cares when you can claim that you are better than somebody just for owning a piece of silicon!)

9.       Make sure your blog tagline contains one of the following words:  “Scribbles, Ramblings, Thoughts” (check! )

10.   There is no number ten, otherwise, this would be just another top 10 blurb. Sorry.

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